Chapter Two

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Not completely getting the comparison, Dean looked at Cas in confusion. “Could you give me that again, Cas? In a way that makes sense to me?”

“Your shows. When someone isn’t the winner, they give that person a year’s supply of Turtle Wax. Because they haven’t won, but the show doesn’t want to send them away empty-handed. So they give them a different thing, something that’s not what they were trying to win, but it’s better than nothing.”

Dean took a minute to make the connection, but he figured it out. “You think you’re a consolation prize? Honestly?”

“I’m not Sam. I’ll never be Sam.”

Turning Cas toward him, Dean fixed him with a very serious look, one that he hoped to Whoever Was Out There would be convincing. “Cas, no. Please don’t – fuck, I don’t know. You’re not Sam, of course, but that’s not what I expect you to be. You’re Cas, and you’ve done so much to take care of me, and what I feel for you isn’t…it’s not just because you’re convenient. It’s different from what Sam and I had, yeah, I won’t deny that, but I’m not using you. I’m not with you like this because there’s no one else. I care about you, Cas, just because of you. Nothing else. Okay?”

Cas agreed with him, and settled into Dean’s embrace, but Dean could tell he wasn’t convinced. To be honest, he had no way to know if there would ever be anything he could do to convince him, since Cas knew about his relationship with Sam. Dean wasn’t over it, not by a longshot, didn’t know if he’d ever be over it in that way, knew for sure he’d never get past the pain of losing Sam, but he was telling the truth. Though he was clueless as to where the hell they had come from, he knew had genuine feelings for Cas, it’s not like he was some rebound or replacement or whatever. Not that there would ever be a replacement for Sam. What he had with his brother was not replaceable, never would be. But Cas meant something to Dean, he meant a lot to Dean. How to make Cas see that, though, was beyond his capability at that point. Fuck, this was so much harder than he thought it would be.

xxxxx

As time went on, they’d settled into a fairly comfortable domestic routine. Castiel was convinced by this point that the damage to Dean’s left eye was permanent. He was fairly certain that Dean knew it, too, but didn’t want to see a doctor and didn’t want to discuss it. Castiel figured it was too hard, a permanent physical reminder of what had happened out in that field at Stull.

Every morning, Castiel made breakfast and coffee for Dean, and Dean washed and dried the dishes. Castiel liked spending time tending to the garden on the side of the house. The feeling of getting his hands into the earth was very satisfying, and seeing the results of his work gave him a feeling of pride he hadn’t felt before.

His powers were returning so much more quickly now. He almost never used them, since he’d gotten so used to living without them, but he could tell. The feeling of his Grace returning was unmistakable. On one occasion, while Dean was sleeping, he’d concentrated on that damaged eye, willing it to heal, but nothing happened. Castiel could only assume that for some reason, this was an injury that wasn’t meant to disappear. He still had his faith, there was no getting around that. It wasn’t what it had been in the past, but God’s reluctance to get involved in the aborted apocalypse didn’t convince him that He wasn’t still out there somewhere. After all, someone had brought him back to life. Who else could it have been?

Dean spent some of his days just chatting with Castiel out in the garden, and a fair amount of time engaged in physical activity. Running seemed to calm him in some ways, though he always stuck to close and familiar paths. At least a few times a week, he’d find something small in the house that needed to be done – tightening loose cabinet handles, fixing a leaky faucet, repairing a window screen. To Castiel, it looked like Dean gained the same satisfaction from those tasks as Castiel did from his gardening. Occasionally, Dean would tinker in the Impala’s engine, and he washed the car thoroughly every Saturday, even though it hadn’t been driven for so long. He’d turn the key in the ignition just to hear the sound, and hinted to Castiel once or twice that he’d teach him how to drive.

The nights together progressed as well. They went to bed together, always. Eventually, they crossed the barrier from what Dean called ‘fooling around’, and Castiel found himself no longer a virgin. The experience had been amazing, the way it felt when Dean started slowly opening him up with his fingers, soothing his nerves and the slight discomfort with whispered endearments and assurances. When Dean finally entered him, Castiel was nowhere near ready for what it would feel like. There was a stretching sensation, a burn, not pain, though it may have been painful had Castiel’s powers not returned to the degree that they had. After just a minute or two, though, it was all just pleasure, more than anything he’d known from their previous intimacy. Dean began thrusting so slowly into him, shallow movements, certainly meant to assure he wasn’t hurting Castiel. He wasn’t sure where the instinct came from, but after a while Castiel wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist and pulled him closer, wordlessly asking for more, and of course Dean gave him everything he asked for. He wrapped his hand around Castiel and stroked him quickly as they both approached their climax. After Castiel had come with a cry and Dean’s name on his lips, Dean went completely still above him and spilled inside of him without a sound. In the moments after they were finished and before Dean fell asleep, they held each other and kissed each other just like any other pair of lovers would do.

Castiel knew they weren’t any other pair of lovers. And he suspected Dean would dream of Sam tonight. It was all right; there were things he could never expect from Dean, and having the kind of bond with Castiel that he’d had with Sam was one of those things. He didn’t doubt that Dean cared for him very much, but he would never return Castiel’s feelings fully. Dean would never feel the same way about him that he felt about Dean. There was a weight to the sadness Castiel carried in his heart with that knowledge, but it wasn’t unbearable, and it couldn’t be changed.

xxxxx

Dean woke with the sun, feeling the comforting presence of Cas next to him in bed. Since they’d started having sex a couple of weeks ago, he’d been surprised to find how responsive and uninhibited Cas was. Always wanting to try something new, almost never getting tired (well, that part wasn’t such a surprise), and certainly not unwilling to voice his desires. Which, of course, Dean fulfilled to the best of his ability every time. He felt like there was nothing he wouldn’t give to the angel.

Well, maybe there was that one piece of his heart that he’d have to keep. He didn’t feel guilty about it, honestly. If Cas hadn’t been well aware of what he and Sam had shared for all those years before, maybe it would be different. But he was going into this with his eyes open, he knew Dean wasn’t going to be able to ever fully let go of his feelings for Sam.

On this particular morning, though, Dean was feeling restless. He hadn’t had much desire to stray far from where they were staying since they got here, but today he recognized that tug in his gut, that old instinct to move.

“Cas.”

“Good morning, Dean”, he replied, turning over. Dean had known he was awake, Cas was almost always awake these days.

“How would you feel about taking a drive? I’d like to visit Bobby.”

He could tell by the look on Cas’ face that he was surprised at the request. He didn’t blame him, Dean had refused to go to Bobby’s all this time. The place was too much like home, too much a reminder of…before. But it had to be done sometime. He wasn’t going to shut Bobby out forever, it wouldn’t be fair to the man who’d been so good to all of them for so many years.

“I’m glad you want to go, Dean. Of course, yes, we can leave today if you’d like.”

“We can take mostly back roads if you want, you can take a few turns at the wheel, get used to the feel of it, if you wanted to”, Dean said with a grin, knowing Cas had wanted to learn how to drive. It was no surprise when Cas’ face lit up.

“I’d love that. To be honest, I think I could get us there myself, and if you’d prefer that method, I will. But I would like to, as you said, take a few turns at the wheel.”

So Cas thought he had enough power to zap them all the way to the salvage yard, that was news. He didn’t want to test it out today, though. “Thanks, Cas, but you know I like to reserve Angel Air services for necessity. My baby’s been sitting there all this time, let’s get her back out on the road where she belongs.”

One phone call was all it took, Bobby didn’t hesitate a moment before telling them to “get your asses the hell out here pronto”. They each packed a small bag and hit the road. Dean started with explaining the things he was doing while he drove; using the turn signal, braking around a curve, checking the mirrors and looking behind him before changing lanes or coming to a full stop. He knew Cas had seen him drive like a complete asshole, a hundred miles an hour and cutting off other cars when he was in a hurry to get somewhere, but he wanted to teach Cas how to do this right. Plenty of time to educate him in the ways of aggressive driving later, he figured. Anyway, it wasn’t like Cas had a driver’s license, so getting pulled over would be a headache of monumental proportions.

Finally, when they made a stop for gas on a small two-lane road about an hour out from Sioux Falls, he tossed the keys to Cas. “Ready to give it a try?”

And damn if the smile he got in return wasn’t one of the most beautiful things he’d seen in as long as he could remember. Shit, he needed to dial it back before he turned into a full-on girl.

Cas did great, though, starting pretty slowly and getting passed a few times on account of driving like a grandma, but quickly got more comfortable. He drove the Impala exactly the way Dean imagined he would – hands on the wheel at ten and two, steadfastly observing speed limit signs and checking his mirrors faithfully.

xxxxx

Castiel couldn’t believe he was really driving Dean’s car. It was easier than he imagined it would be, and he had imagined it many times. He was certainly no expert yet, but it felt natural to him. Not as effortless and exhilarating as flying, but satisfying in a completely different way. He could get used to it, for sure. Maybe because it made him feel so much more a part of Dean’s world. This car was Dean’s home, surely, more than any structure had ever been.

Before he knew it, he was easing the Impala over the gravel in front of Bobby’s house. Castiel was careful to brake very slowly, not wanting to skid or kick up any stones that might put a ding in the car. He was fairly certain Dean wouldn’t be too happy with that.

Bobby was out the front door and at the bottom of the porch steps to greet them before they even got out of the car. Castiel felt a laugh coming on as Bobby’s eyes widened when he realized which one of them was departing the driver’s side. Dean just grinned, striding over and stepping into the embrace of his surrogate father. It was an emotional moment; the last time Dean had seen Bobby, his neck was broken and he was lying dead on the ground. As they moved back, Castiel heard Bobby say, in a husky voice, “So good to have you here, son.”

Not sure whether or not he’d be intruding, Castiel hung back a bit. After just a moment, though, Bobby turned to him and said, “You too, Feathers. Nice to see you in one piece”, with a smile. Castiel walked toward him then, still keeping a respectable distance, finally settling on hesitantly holding out his hand.

“Don’t be an idjit, Cas”, was Bobby’s response as he hugged the angel tightly. “Don’t you think we’re past the handshake phase by now? I mean, you did bring me back from the dead and all.”

Castiel felt some of his hesitance melt away, and returned Bobby’s genuine smile. “It’s good to see you, too, Bobby.”

“All right, let’s not stand around out here like a bunch of suckers. You still indulging in the pleasures of the flesh, Cas?”

Dean and Castiel both went stock-still for a moment, not sure how to respond. Seeing their confused looks, Bobby clarified, “I’m puttin’ steaks on the grill. Just wasn’t sure if Cas here was past wanting to eat dinner these days. Something wrong?”

Castiel was visibly relieved at the clarification, and he glanced over to see that Dean’s face wasn’t so flushed. He covered (he thought) fairly quickly. “Not much, but I’m not about to turn down one of your steak dinners.”

“Hell, you’re sounding more human now than when you were, well…human.”

“That’s my bad influence, I’m sure”, Dean cut in, grabbing their bags as they all headed into the house.

xxxxx

After they all had dinner and made small talk, Dean noticed Cas looked distracted and fidgety.

“What’s up, Cas? Something going on?”

With a wide-eyed look, Cas spoke, surprising them both with his words. “I can hear the Host again. They’re calling me back. It seems my presence is requested in Heaven.”

Dean wasn’t really sure what this meant, and panicked for a moment, thinking maybe Cas was going to have to leave him. Like, leave and take up some new position upstairs that was more important than what he was doing down here on Earth. It took all of his strength to respond, “Are you going?”

The looks on both of their faces seemed to repel Bobby from the room, like he didn’t want to hear the conversation that was coming.

“I don’t want to leave you, Dean. I will stay right here if you ask me to. I would hope that you already knew that.”

Dean just shook his head. “If you go, can you come back? Or is it the kind of thing where you just go, and that’s where you stay?”

“No, I can come back. If it’s all right with you, I’ll go and return as soon as I can. But leaving you…even Heaven couldn’t offer me something that would be worth that much.”

Cas’ earnest expression almost knocked Dean off his chair. He knew they genuinely cared for each other, had made something together, but for Cas to be willing to turn down a request from Heaven after all this time of being cut off…Dean wasn’t sure what to do with that. He answered the only way he knew how. “Go, Cas. Go and see what they want, but come back, you hear me? Come back. Promise me.”

“Of course. If you’re sure. I’ll return as quickly as possible.” Cas leaned in for a kiss, and Dean returned it with no hesitation.

“I know you will. Just go on, I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Thank you, Dean”, he responded, then disappeared.

Bobby returned to the kitchen and asked where Cas had gone.

“He answered the call back home. Temporary, Bobby, he’ll be back.”

“Well, of course he will, dumbass. He’s not leaving you, not for good, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that much.”

Dean let out a strong breath, darted his eyes around a bit, looking away, then just resigned himself and asked, “That obvious, huh?”

“Ridiculously obvious, boy. You let him drive your car, for fuck’s sake. I may be old, but I’m not stupid.”

Bobby didn’t know about what Dean had with Sam. They’d taken great care to hide it from their elders, out of respect and the terrifying possibility of being shunned by those they loved. But clearly he knew about what had developed between him and Cas, and he certainly didn’t seem to have any issue with it.

“So, you’re…you aren’t freaked out? You don’t think it’s a bad thing?”

“You’re happy, he’s happy, what have I got to complain about? You’re a grown man, Dean. You find love where you find it.”

“Love?” Dean responded with surprise. “I guess I hadn’t really given that idea much thought.”

“Yeah, well, you’d better. ‘Cause he’s in love with you, angel or no, he’s head over heels, and if you don’t feel the same way, it’d be unkind for you to let him believe otherwise.” Bobby’s tone was clear; he might as well have said what he was really thinking, which was something along the lines of don’t be a dick.

“Bobby, I swear, I’ve tried to convince him I have real feelings for him. The whole ‘love’ thing hasn’t exactly come up.”

“Think on it, then. And be ready with an answer when he gets back. No point stringing him along…”

“I’m not, I swear!” Dean shot back, suddenly defensive. “He just doesn’t seem to believe I feel the same way about him as he does about me, and I don’t know how to…hell, I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know.”

xxxxx

It didn’t seem like so long to Castiel before he returned to Bobby’s, but apparently it had been almost three days. When he set down in front of the house, Dean was drinking a beer on the porch, looking almost despondent. Castiel had learned something while he was gone, though; something that would turn Dean’s world on its head and he couldn’t wait to share the news.

Before he got a chance to speak, though, Dean had stood up and walked toward him, grabbing him in a tight embrace. “I missed you, Cas, shit, only a couple of days and I missed you so fucking much.”

“I missed you as well”, Cas replied, pulling Dean in for a passionate kiss, not giving a thought to whether or not Bobby was in any position to see them. He didn’t know Bobby was already aware of their relationship.

Castiel pulled back and held Dean by the shoulders, his eyes wide and joyful. “Dean, I saw many things during my time among the Host, but I have to tell you this first. Sam’s soul is not in the Cage. I couldn’t get any explanation for it, but Sam is in Heaven.” Castiel couldn’t stop the tears from forming in his eyes. “He’s not being tortured, he’s not suffering. He’s in the place where he belongs. I didn’t see him or talk to him, but I felt his presence and it was confirmed by the others. Somehow, his soul, and Adam’s, were expelled from the Cage. I suspect it wasn’t made to hold human souls, so they were sent to the place where they belonged.”

He watched as Dean slowly took in the news and staggered a little, Castiel happily holding him up. Dean’s eyes were glossy with tears. “Heaven? Really? He’s – Sam is there? Adam too? Are they together?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know. I only know that they are both, yes, in Heaven, without question.”

Dean kissed him again, more passionately this time. “Cas, I don’t know what to say. I missed you when you were gone but it was worth every second to hear that. Thank you. Thank you, Cas, thank you for…” Castiel knew Dean was unable to form any more words, but it didn’t matter. Neither of them thought this was possible, and the unmitigated joy he felt was obviously a hundred fold for Dean. And shortly after, when they’d had a chance to tell Bobby, he felt the same way. It was like a thousand ton weight lifted from all of their shoulders. They celebrated with beer and laughter and trading stories until Bobby declared he was done for the night.

Castiel knew this question was coming, and he was prepared to answer it.

“So”, Dean asked, “are you going back? Do they need you up there?”

“Maybe they do need me. But not as much as I need you. I might go back now and then, for a while, but I’m not going back. My place is here, with you. If that’s what you want.” His voice probably betrayed his apprehension.

xxxxx

Dean was overwhelmed. Just the knowledge that his brother was in paradise was enough to knock him over. The relief of finding out that Sam hadn’t suffered made it so much easier to accept that he was gone. Sam might be with Jess right now, or with their mom, their dad…maybe just in his very own piece of Heaven; any of those scenarios were equally comforting. But Cas’ declaration that he’d give up returning to Heaven to stay here, on Earth, with him, was almost too much. “Are you sure, Cas? I mean, it’s…it’s Heaven.”

“I’ve got my happiness right here, Dean. As I said, I belong with you.” Cas replied, his eyes steady and his tone full of conviction.

So this was it. Time to man up, put his money where his mouth was (and had been, repeatedly, in a literal sense). “Cas, I love you. I know you don’t think I do, but it’s the truth. And yes, before you ask, I still love Sam and a part of me always will and there’s nothing either of us can do about that. But what I feel for you – it’s real, I swear, please believe me. I want you, I want to be with you, I want to keep loving you.”

Cas’ eyes softened and he leaned into Dean’s shoulder. “That’s what I want, too.”

“All right, then, we’ll figure it out. We’ll just…learn as we go. Okay?”

“Of course. Of course, yes, okay.” They made their way to the spare room and spent the night making up for lost time, being careful to stay as quiet as possible. Bobby may not have been judgmental, but neither of them wanted to subject the man to hearing the activities they got up to in the bedroom.

In the morning, Dean wasn’t surprised to see Bobby already in the kitchen making breakfast when he and Cas came downstairs.

“You know, I missed you Dean, and you too, Feathers. But a man gets used to living on his own, and as much as I don’t mind having guests now and then…”

Dean finished for him. “You’re ready to have your house to yourself again?”

“No rush, boys, I’m not chasing you out the door. But I figure you’ve got more than a few things to figure out on your own now.”

He was right, too. Were they going to hunt? The apocalypse being avoided didn’t mean there weren’t still monsters out there. Or were they going to do the hunters’ equivalent of retiring – getting jobs and settling down, off the radar of whichever big bad thing happened to come down the road next?

Both options were equally possible. Dean wasn’t really opposed to either one, but he figured he and Cas would work it out together.



Epilogue